I Play Stuff

Hello, Mundane Human.

Everyday life can be a pain in the ass. It involves waking up and getting out of bed; often before noon! Other inconveniences can include chores (if you’re a teenager), housework (if you live alone), or chores (if you’re married). The list goes on and on and on and so on.

Sometimes, it’s easy to get overwhelmed. It’s okay to feel like that. I used to, but not any more! I became superhuman. I took control of my destiny and now, with this guide, YOU CAN BE FULLY INFORMED!  So, if you’re looking for the must-know information regarding obtaining superpowers, read on. If not, why did you read past the title? It wasn’t a ruse.

One important thing to note here, I’m saying superhuman and not superhero. There’s a couple of reasons for that.

Firstly, I don’t want to pay the dues to Scottish Hero Association of Scotland. Seriously, the prices are unreasonable. It has nothing to do with Mary, Queen of Justice shunning my sexual advances.

The second reason, is Uncle Ben. Not the boil-in-the-bag rice guy; Spider-man’s dead uncle. Yeah, we all know he said the immortal line “with great power, comes great responsibility”. That’s actually not true. Anyway, on to the straight dope, as the kids say.

The options are:

Evolve Your Powers

I understand you can’t control this but it’s one of the most popular ways people want to get powers. Who can blame them? It involves no effort. You just wake up one day and boom! You can breathe fire; run faster than sound; heck, you might even get the ability to fly. Yeah, that old chestnut.

Therein lies the rub. Might. There’s an *ahem* x-factor when it comes to mutant ability. You trade any control over the results off in return for a lot of power for no effort. The potential for embarrassment knows no bounds.

Picture the scene: You awaken one morning. Something feels different. There’s an energy surging through you. What is it? It’s probably nothing. “Breakfast is ready, darling!” You wipe the sleep from your eyes. An uncomfortable shift in your belly concerns you for a moment. You’ll feel better after you eat; that’s what you tell yourself before heading downstairs to your beautiful, successful partner and child. You sit at the table and start to eat the most delicious fry-up you’ve ever had. Oh, no. Another shift. Must be some gas. Try to discreetly pass wind. It was quiet. Too quiet. Silent, even. Your wife and child slump forward. Silent and deadly. Enjoy your new power, Mighty Methane.

Scientific Experiment Gone Awry/Successfully (Delete as required)

Slightly better than mutation in terms of control over the end result. Still, there’s a lot to consider. I’ll illustrate with two examples at opposite ends of the spectrum: The Hulk and Captain America.

The Hulk - Hulk, to his friends - is the result of a non-fatal lab accident. That’s the kind of lab accident you want if powers are what you’re after. Non-fatal. Take a note of that. Now, we all know that Bruce Banner didn’t want to become The Hulk, so wouldn’t this fall into the same precarious power category as mutation?

Not necessarily. We’re living in a post Hulk world, people. By accounting for what could go wrong during an experiment, extrapolations can be made as to possible outcomes. I mean, you’re not going to become Mighty Methane when you’re dicking about with Tesla coils, are you?

On the other side of the coin, there’s good ol’ Captain America. Little scrawny weakling gets turned into the All-American Hero. What else can I say? Get hold of some top war-time scientific minds and you’re golden age, baby!

End of Part 1.

Coming Up: Magic and Technology.